“I have four children, three little ones and one big one, my husband”, some women say. “I feel I am the mother of my partner”, others complain.
It is no less. A survey conducted a few years ago revealed that nearly half of women admit that i husbands stress them 10 times more than children.
Undoubtedly, biology and patriarchal society exacerbate the sense of motherhood. But this is only part of the story. Treating your partner as if it were an extra child is a complex phenomenon that goes far beyond gender to delve into the psychology of the person and the dynamics of the relationship. Understanding what is happening and stopping this trend is essential in order not to damage the relationship.
Why does a person "adopt" their partner as a child?
There are many reasons why a parent-child relationship arises in a couple. Indeed, there is often not a single cause but rather a confluence of psychological factors:
1. Replicate a learned relational model. Many people repeatedly end up trapped in the role of "parent" or "child" to their partners because they are replicating a relationship pattern they have learned. It is likely that this pattern comes from the relationship their parents had. If one of their parents assumed all the responsibilities in the home or within the family and the other tended to act more immature and irresponsible, they might think this was the normal dynamic between two people who love each other. Perhaps you believe it is natural for one to be the dominant and caretaker while the other is submissive. If you've never questioned that pattern, chances are you're using it to maintain your relationships.
2. Establish a control dynamic that offers stability. People who have experienced a lot of uncertainty and instability or have suffered traumatic losses in the past may develop an anxious attachment style that leads them to try to control each other. Controlling every step that the partner takes, becoming her "father" or "mother", allows them to restore the feeling of security and stability they so desire, avoiding reliving the fear, sadness and pain of the past.
3. Maintaining a relationship with someone who is too different. In some cases, the need to control or guide the other is the result of a deep personal insecurity that derives from decisions, attitudes, points of view or behavior of the partner, which deviate too much from your way of seeing the world. For example, if you are a very methodical, organized, and responsible person, living with someone who isn't can be a big challenge. In that case, to try to save the relationship, you can try to become your partner's parent/secretary, organizing and directing his life because you think his behavior and priorities are more like that of a small child than a those of a mature adult. This generates a profound insecurity, which you try to compensate by controlling the life of the couple.
Why shouldn't you try to educate, correct or control your partner?
In the beginning it is likely that the person who assumes the role of "father" or "mother" just wants to save the relationship and help the other to mature. Patiently, she encourages him to make different decisions. “Maybe you should get up early to be on time.” “Maybe you should keep a list of your expenses so you can save money.” “Maybe you could write your commitments in an agenda so as not to forget them”…
However, if the other person is not receptive to these prompts, they will quickly become reminders and later imperative commands. A "do not forget to…" becomes a "you need to do…".
By then you have already become the “father” or “mother” of your partner. You have resigned yourself to take responsibility for him and guide him as if he were a small child. The problem is that this is the most direct route to dissatisfaction.
Sooner or later, the person who serves as "father" or "mother" will be overwhelmed by double work. She must remember her own commitments and those of her partner. Make decisions for both. Planning the future together. Dealing with her mistakes… And all this with minimal help.
On the other hand, those who assume the role of "son" will end up feeling controlled. At some point he will feel that he lacks psychological oxygen because he cannot be himself. The imposition of tasks, responsibilities and even ways of seeing the world can end up tarnishing his personality, forcing him to follow a path that he would not have freely chosen.
This type of relationship configures a profoundly unequal power dynamic. In the long run, this relational dynamic generates frustration, resentment and discontent. The "father" or "mother" sets the rules and makes the "son" respect them. This creates a dependency situation which may work for a while, but in the long run it is likely that the 'child' will rebel or the 'father' will collapse under the weight of responsibility.
How to break the roles of "mother" and "child" in a relationship?
When we enter a relationship, we carry a emotional baggage made up of beliefs, perspectives, expectations, values and past experiences. In fact, long before you started your current relationship, you already had a preconceived idea of what it should be like or how you should behave. Therefore, if you want to maintain a healthy and growing relationship for both of you, you need to do an introspection exercise.
The person who takes on the role of "father" or "mother" is usually a born social worker. He likes to take care of others and shows his love for her by doing so. But usually he is also a controlling person, very demanding and who believes that there is only one right way to do things. She generally sees her partner as someone who needs assistance because he is irresponsible, helpless and/or incompetent. This means that he has difficulty respecting his partner's boundaries or trusting him to do the right thing.
On the other hand, those who assume the role of "son" are more passive and may even enjoy that attention and care – at least at the beginning of the relationship. These are usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries and enforcing them, so they generally resort to passive-aggressive behaviors. They often need some order and security in their lives, but because they find it difficult to assume their responsibilities, they prefer to let others take care of it. But over time they will start to feel that their partner doesn't respect them, they will feel helpless in the relationship and they will start to drift away.
This means that in order to break parent-child roles it is essential that everyone looks within himself. It's usually easier to see the speck in other people's eyes than the beam in your own, so you're likely to focus on finding explanations in the other person's flaws to avoid the hard work it takes to change yourself.
Instead of focusing on the habits you don't like in your partner, reflect on your expectations of the relationship. It may be true that you are the more mature and compromised person, but perhaps you also hope that your partner fits your model. Perhaps you are trying to change the person next to you to fit your ideal or way of being.
Instead, remember that relationships are not to be judged but to be explored, understood, and valued. As a rule, the better you understand yourself, the better you can do the seemingly impossible: accept your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Chances are, at some point, you'll also have to stop and think about whether or not that relationship is really worth saving. Think about what led you to that person. Sometimes, blinded by daily pressure, we can forget that we share the same values or desire the same things, even if we don't always agree on the path to follow to achieve them.
This is why it is important that you talk about your roles in the relationship, your expectations, the level of satisfaction and the way you conceive life as a couple. Maybe you can come to an agreement. Maybe not. But surely both of you will mature as people.
Admission Do you treat your partner as if they were your own child? it's a bad idea was published first in Corner of Psychology.
