What if we sacrifice the sacrifice?
In 'Orestea, Aeschylus tells that Agamemnon, in order to gain the favor of the gods before going to war, decided to sacrifice his daughter, Iphigenia. Although Iphigenia was saved in extremis by Artemis, who assigned her the role of priestess in one of her temples, the intention of her sacrifice remains.
Indeed, centuries ago in cultures such as Ancient Egypt it was not uncommon to sacrifice servants and officials to be buried with the recently deceased pharaoh, so they could serve him in the afterlife. These practices are repugnant to us today, but the underlying idea of sacrifice has survived as a core value in many modern societies. The only thing that has changed is that it is frowned upon to sacrifice others, so it is up to us to sacrifice ourselves for others.
The sacrifice trap: consecrating ourselves without questioning anything
The word sacrifice comes from the Latin, from the union of priest e I do; that is, to “make sacred” something by honoring and venerating it. The problem is that once something becomes sacred, we stop questioning it. By not questioning it, it becomes a sort of implicit rule or taboo.
It is no coincidence, in fact, that the adjective sacred comes from the Latin verb sanction, from which, curiously, the word sanction also derives, and means both to consecrate and to sanction, to make something inviolable or invulnerable or to make it sacrosanct. Thus, society has transmitted to us that the very concept of sacrifice should not be questioned. It's taboo.
Maybe our rational mind doesn't know those meanings, but somehow our unconscious understands that sacrifice becomes something sacred and, as such, shouldn't be discussed. If we are unwilling to sacrifice, we are likely to be singled out. Branded as selfish, misunderstood and outcasts. Instead, if we sacrifice ourselves, we will be praised. We will receive acceptance and social status as a reward.
Indeed, our cultures continue to revere sacrifice, as do older cultures, many of which we now consider archaic and barbaric. Our society continues to maintain a sacrificial structure with mechanisms by which it ensures that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves when the time comes, ideally without overthinking or questioning it.
Suffice it to say that those who sacrificed themselves for their country become a hero who serves as an example for children at school and Jesus on the cross, precisely at the moment in which he sacrifices himself for humanity, is the emblem of 2,4 billion people in the world. world.
On the surface, self-sacrifice seems like a good thing. When you sacrifice yourself, you help others. Everyone considers you to be kind, generous, and selfless. Because of this, many people find it difficult to understand that self-sacrifice isn't always good.
While there's nothing wrong with being generous and helping those we love or even complete strangers, there are limits to everything. This limit is crossed when we give ourselves too much to others, then we can fall intochronic self-sacrifice.
Chronic self-denial, a constant loss
In Western culture we have associated sacrifice with loss and pain. We sacrifice ourselves, but almost never willingly, rather reluctantly, because that's what touches us. Although there are those who say that when you love, it's not difficult to sacrifice yourself for someone.
Without a doubt, love is a powerful engine of sacrifice. But everything has a limit. And when only one side sacrifices, receiving nothing in return or not seeing the same level of compromise, the heart burns out.
Jung said that "the act of sacrifice consists first of all in giving something that belongs to us". When a sacrifice is genuine, we must give up any future claims. What we give, we must give for lost.
Freud also shared this view of sacrifice. In fact, the word he used to refer to this act was “eingebu't”, passive participle of the verb “einbu'en”, which means to lose or suffer losses.
When you give and expect nothing in return, it's hard not to feel a sense of loss, especially when it becomes the norm. This is why many people experience sacrifice as a loss, ending up creating fertile ground for regrets, reproaches and frustrations.
Chronic self-denial occurs when we abandon our interests, goals, and dreams for the sake of another person, putting their needs before our own. It is sacrificing your happiness for others.
You deny yourself the satisfaction of personal needs and desires, repress your emotions or ignore your feelings, which means that you are relegating an important part of yourself to the background. That sacrifice comes at the expense of your physical and mental well-being, so it will ultimately take its toll on you.
Chronic self-denial ends up becoming an extreme form of altruism. Therefore, even if it is perceived positively by society, when it becomes dysfunctional or disruptive, it is not good for it.
Very often, people who have a tendency to sacrifice for others follow a "self-sacrificing" pattern that doesn't need a reason to prioritize others. They do this because they underestimate themselves, so they fall into a pathological response pattern.
That person is convinced that they are not worthy of being a priority and stops paying attention to themselves to focus on satisfying others. As a result, she never gets her own needs met and denies herself what can make her happy and fulfilled.
For this reason, it is not strange that people who constantly sacrifice themselves for others are always busy and preoccupied, living under constant stress. As a result, they tend to struggle with anxiety, depression, and resentment.
The conscious sacrifice, the way to avoid remorse
Researchers at the Free University of Amsterdam discovered that our first impulse is indeed to make sacrifices for the people we love. In one study, they asked participants to decide how many awkward questions they and their partners should ask of strangers. However, people who had a lower level of self-control because they were exhausted from a previous exercise took on more than half of the "dirty work." Instead, the others shared the task equally.
The idea that low self-control promotes a willingness to sacrifice may seem surprising, but it makes a lot of sense. When we are exhausted, we are more likely to choose the predefined strategies that we are used to using in our intimate relationships, letting ourselves be carried away by the first impulses, those that have been instilled in us since childhood, without thinking too much about their feasibility or consequences.
Conversely, when we have self-control we can pause for a second to think about what is most relevant or urgent in the situation. In that condition we don't let ourselves be carried away by our habitual impulses or by what seems most urgent, but we weigh the desires of others against our own. Let's do a more objective analysis of the situation and decide what to do.
We can choose the path of sacrifice or we can decide it's not worth it. Under certain circumstances, sacrificing yourself for others isn't the smartest way to go, and often it doesn't even benefit others, because it can trigger unhealthy relationship dynamics or take away opportunities for growth. In those cases, prioritizing yourself isn't selfish, it's just common sense.
Sources:
Righetti, F. et. Al. (2013) Low Self-Control Promotes the Willingness to Sacrifice in Close Relationships. Psychological Science; 24 (8): 10.1177.
Impett, EA & Gordon, AM (2008) For the good of others: Toward a positive psychology of sacrifice. In SJ Lopez (Ed.), Positive psychology: Exploring the best in people, Vol. 2. Capitalizing on emotional experiences (79–100). Praeger Publishers/Greenwood Publishing Group.
Admission The question you should ask yourself before sacrificing yourself for others was published first in Corner of Psychology.
