In today's economic environment, the path to independence for young people is getting longer and more complicated. The difficulty in obtaining stable work and the high cost of living lead to greater dependence on parents, keeping children at home longer than they did a few decades ago.
Of course, this emotional and economic support can be a positive experience if the children are finally able to become independent, but as the years go by and the bonds of dependence strengthen, it ends up becoming a problem, both for the parents and for the son who can't find his way in life.
What is Authorized Addiction Syndrome?
Authorized Dependence Syndrome is a phenomenon in which adults continue to be overly dependent on their parents, despite having no disability, to the point that this hinders their normal development. Adult children do not leave the family home, and this ends up generating negative dynamics between them and their parents.
Often these children are constantly angry and resentful and expect their parents to meet their unrealistic demands. They generally blame others for their problems and have little empathy, so they show little appreciation for anything their parents do for them.
These adult children believe parents should be their caregivers, see them as perpetual security providers, then develop an empowered addiction. However, deep down they are often unhappy because they cannot find their way and develop their potential, permanently remaining in the shadow of parental care.
At home with his parents: why can't children become independent?
In the 2006 comedy “Failure to Launch,” Matthew McConaughey played a 35-year-old man who didn't want to leave his parents' home because he felt too comfortable with that life. His story inspired the phrase "missed throw" in reference to parenting that fails to lead children to independence.
But it would be wrong to blame parents alone because, deep down, they only reflect social norms and expectations. Indeed, in recent decades parenting has increasingly shifted towards theparental overprotection.
In the past, many children played in the street until sunset and all adults had the authority to scold them if they misbehaved. Parents intervened little in their children's quarrels to make them learn to resolve them on their own. At home we had to follow certain rules and if we were wrong we paid the consequences.
So we learned that life is not fair and it's not always comfortable. We have learned to resolve our conflicts and deal with frustrations and disappointments. And above all, we wanted to become independent to live by our own rules. In a sense, that parental discipline gradually led us towards autonomy and independence.
That right degree of discomfort helped us develop the skills needed to become independent adults. However, in recent times the "helicopter parentsmay have paved the way for their children too much. By wanting them to have a better life, they are sparing them the "failures" needed to grow.
The problem is that by sparing them problems and frustrations, they also block their children's abilities by preventing them from exposing themselves to those situations that allow them to mature. Over time, children stopped learning to solve problems on their own and got used to turning to adults.
Unfortunately, during childhood and adolescence, the main coping skill children learn is to ask their parents for help when they have a problem. Therefore, when they reach adulthood, it shouldn't surprise us that they don't know what to do and resort to the only solution they know: ask mom and dad for help. Or worse yet, emotionally manipulate them into helping them.
It is no coincidence that psychologists of California State University have discovered that when parents implement a parenting style that is too controlling, their children grow up with diminished self-efficacy and when they become adults they believe they have almost unlimited rights. Authorized Addiction Syndrome has also been found to occur mostly when parents view their children as an extension of themselves.
As a result, in many cases, overly compassionate parents are behind the licensed addiction syndrome, who sympathize with every manifestation of their children's discomfort and continue to try to solve all their problems. In other cases, parents simply don't know what to do for their children to become independent and lead their own lives.
On the other side of the coin are young adults who are finding it increasingly difficult to find their own path, both emotionally and financially. They entered adulthood psychologically ill-equipped to deal with disappointment and life's ups and downs.
If they get turned down for a job, they give up because they haven't learned to be persistent. I am unable to handle the day-to-day responsibilities and inevitable conflicts of a relationship. They have unreasonable expectations of life, expecting others to meet their needs or prioritize them. And they believe they have a right to material things, even if they can't afford them.
As a result, they feel more comfortable staying home on the couch while their parents sort out their problems, take responsibility, and pay all bills until they're 30 or older.
When does living at home with parents become a problem?
It should be clarified that the fact that an adult lives with their parents is not in itself a negative, nor is the fact that parents help their children when they need it. The fact that children turn to their parents when they have a problem for advice or support is not a bad thing either.
Parents may help their children with love and with the best of intentions, but over time we have gone from caring for our children to becoming their only source of survival. This established the idea that parents' work is never done and that they have a responsibility to correct their children's mistakes and care for them throughout their lives.
The problem arises when that adult child is not independent and does not want to be. When he is unable to solve any problem by himself and does not have his own life plan. When he thinks he can't do things independently and demands that his parents assume his responsibilities for him.
The problem exists when parents remain tied for life to a child who does not want to grow up, influencing their every decision on it. When they cannot enjoy their retirement peacefully, they are not free or have to accept becoming the "scapegoatsof their children's failure.
In the long run, this type of coexistence generates a basic frustration on both sides. The son is not happy and neither are the parents because the feeling of failure hangs over everyone.
How to convince children to become independent?
The bats of the species Uroderma bilobatum they give their puppies little pats to help them "mature." In this way they help the forearms of the little ones to develop faster than the rest of the body so that they can learn to fly. Once peregrine falcon pups flap their wings and get some exercise in the nest, mothers catch them in their beaks and drop them to learn to fly, correcting their flight in the air so they don't fall to the ground .
Nature teaches us that it is essential to find the balance between protection and autonomy. Therefore, the key to breaking this addictive cycle is to help children develop their coping skills and gain self-confidence. Many times this means letting the children experience some discomfort in order to learn to deal with the frustration.
Instead of imagining your adult child as a helpless bird whose wings won't support him when he leaves the nest, think of him as someone who is self-reliant and capable of flight. Don't let emotions like fear of what might happen to him make you see and treat him like a child.
Viewing your children as incompetent limits them and keeps them under your wing. Therefore, recognize them for the adults they are. It is likely that at first that adult child may feel uncomfortable with the steps he is taking to take responsibility for him, but you shouldn't feel guilty. After all, a certain amount of discomfort is essential for get out of the comfort zone.
As a mother or father, you will always be there for your children. But everything has a limit. And that limit is where your help harms them. Parents' mission is not to protect their children forever, but to educate them so that they learn to protect themselves and face life on their own.
Sources:
Lebowitz, E. et. to the. (2012) Parent training in nonviolent resistance for adult entitled dependence. Family Process; 51 (1): 90-106.
Givertz, M. & Segrin, C. (2012) The Association Between Overinvolved Parenting and Young Adults' Self-Efficacy, Psychological Entitlement, and Family Communication. Communication Research; 41 (8): 10.1177.
Bishop, J., & Lane, RC (2002) The dynamics and dangers of entitlement. Psychoanalytic Psychology; 19(
Admission Authorized addiction syndrome, adult children who refuse to leave the family home was published first in Corner of Psychology.
