The wound of betrayal is an emotional scar that has profound ramifications because it was caused by the very people closest to us – whether they be our partner, children, parents or friends – people who didn't keep their promise, didn't protect us or comforted when we needed it most or even lied to or rejected. Healing the wound of betrayal isn't easy, but it's essential not to get emotionally stuck in that event, especially if you want to regain confidence in life and re-establish full relationships with others.
There are many betrayals, but not all of them hurt
Throughout life we may suffer many betrayals, but not all of them will leave traces. Not all cheating becomes a trauma. But when betrayal comes from the people closest to us, those we've identified as a source of emotional support, it's more likely to generate an emotional tsunami of proportions that undermine our mental balance and leave a trail that is hard to erase.
Betrayals often turn into psychological trauma when they concern issues that are particularly important and significant to us, so much so that we perceive these actions as a full-blown attack on our "I". Generally this type of behavior triggers very intense emotional reactions marked by anger, disappointment, despair, helplessness and disappointment.
The problem is that sometimes the pain of betrayal is such that we react by building a protective wall around ourselves. We assume that if the closest people we trusted were able to betray us, everyone else will too. When we feel like we can't trust anyone, we end up turning away from others and losing the ability to compromise ourselves, lest they harm us again.
However, the walls that protect us also isolate us. In the long run, they will prevent us from having fulfilling relationships or meeting trustworthy people. We even run the risk of reworking our entire psychic life around the wound left by the betrayal.
The signs that reveal that the wound of betrayal is still open
If we have suffered an important betrayal that has marked us, it is likely that we wear a mask to hide that wound and protect ourselves from our most atrocious fear: feeling betrayed again. The mask becomes our only protective mechanism, to the point that we can come to believe we are like this, when in reality it is only a learned behavior to ensure our psychological survival.
Some of the signs that can reveal that we are experiencing trauma due to cheating are:
• Strong need to control everything, mainly because these people experience a very high level of anxiety in the face of the uncertainty and free will of others, since this implies the possibility of being betrayed. But these people often confuse their need for control with a "strong character". In fact, they are usually very jealous and feel the need to observe every step of their partner, friends or children. However, they often disguise their need for control as help.
• Phobia of lying which goes far beyond the normal response to insincerity or deception. As a result of an open wound, these people have a disproportionate emotional reaction that makes them lose control, easily and quickly switching from love to hate.
• Difficulty trusting others, therefore they are very demanding and require disproportionate displays of affection and loyalty. These people have excessively high expectations and are highly critical, making it difficult for them to build relationships. However, they find it difficult to understand why others don't trust them and many times they interpret it as a betrayal.
• Fear of being vulnerable, so they hide what they feel. These people find it very difficult to open up to others, they are very reserved and sometimes even emotionally distant because they are afraid of showing their "weak points" and being betrayed again.
• They believe in the idea “Think wrong and you will be right”. Betrayed people form a negative picture of the world, assuming that no one can be trusted, so they feel very lonely. They are also very harsh in their opinions and have a hard time giving in because they always want to have the last word. Deep down, they believe that the wound of betrayal gives them moral authority over others and that they truly know what life is.
How to heal the wound of betrayal?
A betrayal can mark us. It can affect our self-esteem and even change the image we have formed of the world and the perception we have of others. But if we don't deepen that pain, we remain its prisoners, hidden behind the mask we use to defend ourselves.
This is why it is important to avoid remaining anchored in the experience of betrayal.
First we have to look at what happened, how we lived it, what the circumstances were and what we felt. Do this introspection exercise by assuming a psychological distance it will help us relive what happened with a new perspective.
So we need to identify the behaviors that hurt us, understand them, and accept them. Accepting the betrayal does not mean accepting it as good or minimizing the pain it has caused us. It means giving ourselves permission to move forward.
There are a thousand and one reasons people may cheat on others, or because they were convinced it was one innocent lie or just plain tired. There are even worse reasons. Obviously. But the goal is not to psychoanalyze who betrayed us, but to assume what happened to us to integrate it into our vital history and move on.
Of course, this is a huge psychological work that is not done overnight. We need to be aware that we may have put up some barriers or wear a mask. When we get to this point, it's important not to recriminate ourselves because there's a risk of redirecting all the hatred and resentment we've felt towards the person who betrayed us, towards ourselves.
We simply have to allow ourselves to feel our pain and all the unpleasant emotions. Anger, anger or sadness or even guilt, one of the most difficult emotions to recognize. The next step is to realize that one person's betrayal does not condemn all of humanity.
We can all make mistakes, even us. Betrayal, though painful, is an extra experience in life. We can heal the wound with compassion and love. Accept the lights and shadows that we all have.
Admission Heal the wound of betrayal when it seems impossible was published first in Corner of Psychology.
