Even relationships expire – you have to know how to say goodbye at the right time

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lasciare andare le relazioni che non funzionano

We are born hoarders. We accumulate things, experiences, feelings, beliefs, habits. And, of course, relationships. Raised in the culture of "everything and more", we conceive life as an incessant addition. We don't like deleting. Consequently, it is not difficult that we end up carrying a heavy emotional baggage or we drag out expired reports.

It usually takes more courage to let go of someone with whom we have shared dreams and despair than to hold on to them. It's usually easier to hold on than to let go, because often ending these relationships is like letting go of a part of ourselves, a shared feeling that we may never experience again. But sometimes to move forward you have to accept that certain relationships have lost their raison d'etre.

Relationships that don't update end up languishing

Nothing is permanent, much less relationships. But because goodbyes cost us, often realizing that a relationship has expired becomes a source of suffering.

Relationships can get cold for any number of reasons, from the interruption of sharing values, interests, aspirations and projects, to the emergence of conflicts or simply because each person takes a different course in life.

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The truth is, if we look back, we will see that very few people maintain the same position of trust and complicity. Even if it is painful, it is a normal phenomenon. Life changes and we change with life. Different experiences and different ways of dealing with them can lead us down paths that diverge.

We change with the years and the damage. We are not the same person as we were ten years ago, or even as we were last year. If we don't update our expectations and ways of relating, the relationship is likely to fall under its own weight, like a withered leaf in autumn.

When that happens, when the connection that brought us together is lost, maintaining the relationship can end up doing more harm than good. To prevent something that used to be beautiful from degenerating, we must learn to close the circles of life.

Letting go of relationships that aren't working out is also a show of love and respect

The passing of the years doesn't make us immune to goodbyes, especially when we realize that there is no going back or that that person has played an important role in our lives.

In fact, sometimes we don't cling to the person, but to the feeling of connection we had experienced, that special bond we had created and all the meanings it holds in our minds. Philosopher Matthew Ratcliffe refers to this phenomenon as the "shared relational space."

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In practice, every relationship brings with it an emotional baggage made up of shared experiences and gratifying feelings, from the security and trust we experience with someone to joy or spontaneity. We often find it difficult to separate ourselves from that relational space, so we start experimenting “a continuous tension between two worlds, a past that one continues to inhabit and a present that is devoid of meaning and seems curiously distant”, as Ratcliffe says.

However, letting go at the right time will prevent conflicts from escalating and differences from poisoning the relationship. When this happens, when we cling to an expired relationship for too long, the good memories turn into reproaches. Shared joy turns into bitter disappointment.

This is why letting go of expired relationships is not only a demonstration of self love, but also of respect for each other and for what we have experienced. We change and our relationships transform – whether we like it or not. It's nobody's fault. We just have to accept that, even if it hurts, it is necessary to put an end to something that no longer has a future.


Memories can be precious, as long as they stay in the past and we don't live off them. As long as they don't force us to maintain habits with which we no longer identify or as long as they don't condemn us to live in an unwanted reciprocity that generates more dissatisfaction than joy.

The ideal is to let go of relationships at the right time. That moment when we realize that we can't keep doing something good for each other. We cannot continue to grow side by side. We are not better people together, but worse. That moment when we realize that the relationship has lost its meaning and has no prospects for improvement, no matter how hard we try. Letting her go at that moment will save us many problems and preserve a precious memory, preventing that precious "shared relational space" from being completely contaminated.

Source:

Ratcliffe, M. (2021) Sensed presence without sensory qualities: a phenomenological study of bereavement hallucinations. Phenomenology and the Cognitive Sciences; 20: 601-616.

Admission Even relationships expire – you have to know how to say goodbye at the right time was published first in Corner of Psychology.

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