Throughout history and cultures, various religions made ritual sacrifices to atone for the sins, evils and guilt of the community. On many occasions an animal was chosen which, despite being completely unaware and innocent of the problems of the community, was sacrificed for the "common good".
This custom is known as scapegoat and it is a psychological phenomenon that is not limited to society but also extends to smaller groups such as the family. In the dysfunctional families it is not unusual for one of the members to fill the role of scapegoat. He becomes the person who bears all the faults and, in a certain sense, the weight of the delicate family balance.
The role of the scapegoat in the family
The surest strategy for keeping a cohesive, controlled and alike-looking group is to designate a common enemy. It is a tactic that has always been used by politicians but also appreciated in toxic families. In these cases, a member is chosen who becomes the repository of the family's dissatisfaction, frustration and guilt.
The scapegoat in the family performs two main functions, as revealed by psychologists at the University of Kansas:
• Minimizes family feelings of guilt for her responsibility for a negative outcome, helping her to maintain a more positive image of herself and her functioning.
• Maintain the feeling of control as the scapegoat offers a clear explanation for a negative outcome that would otherwise seem inexplicable unless the family takes full responsibility.
In other words, the scapegoat plays a prominent role in the narrative that the family constructs to clear itself by becoming the receptacle of all negative feelings, attitudes and behaviors that the family does not recognize as its own. The scapegoat becomes a tool to explain family failures or bad deeds, while preserving a positive image.
This person, regarded as the black sheep, allows the family to think that it is a healthier and more functional unit than it actually is. If it weren't for that individual, the family would be perfect and happy.
La scapegoat theory in toxic families also explains that this person acts as a sort of relief valve to give space to the tensions that are accumulating in the family, so that it does not disintegrate causing conflicts between all its members that could lead to violent behavior.
How do you choose the scapegoat in the family?
In families, it is not unusual for a child to be the scapegoat. Some fathers and / or mothers use their child as a scapegoat to vent their frustrations and blame them for their mistakes. The chosen member will become the number one enemy of the whole family. He will be the person everyone points to as the cause of family conflicts, even if he is thousands of miles away or even if he has practically no relationship with his family anymore.
Sometimes the weakest or most sensitive family member is chosen. That person is unlikely to respond to attempts at blame and humiliation, but they will be willing to carry the burden on their shoulders. Often even that model of abuse is justified as necessary to "strengthen" that person.
However, usually the strongest or most rebellious member is chosen because it is the one that causes the most problems and opposes the established toxic family dynamics. It can be the smartest member of the family or the most independent one who, in one way or another, threatens the authority of the leader. They are also usually people with a more developed sense of justice than the rest of the family members.
The family perceives him as "different", so he begins to think that it hurts everything, is rebellious and ungrateful. He believes that this member does not appreciate the "love" he receives at home, so he never misses an opportunity to criticize, disapprove and blame him.
The psychological consequences of rejection and guilt
Being chosen from a young age as a family scapegoat often has lifelong consequences. They are thus people who do not trust themselves or others, who have low self-esteem and blame themselves for how others treat them, making them more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.
Often they are also people who feel a deep grudge, because the love and emotional validation they should have received in the family have been denied them. In those cases, they can become people who react with anger in interpersonal relationships.
Normally they also behave as a sort of "redeemer" because, unknowingly, they believe they are indebted to others, so that they often bring with them problems that do not belong to them and can even devote themselves to pursuing the objectives of others at the expense of their needs and aspirations.
How to stop being the family scapegoat?
Unfortunately, the scapegoat is often represented by a child who does not have the ability to free himself from the role assigned to him. In any case, the existence of a scapegoat in the family implies that there is a dysfunctional dynamic that must be addressed.
It is not unusual for the family's "black sheep" to age enough to quickly become independent to get out of that toxic environment. However, without therapeutic intervention or without completely severing ties, it is difficult to stop being the family's scapegoat.
The process of ceasing to be a scapegoat does not begin in the family environment but within the person himself. You have to get rid of the guilt and understand that you don't have to bear the responsibilities of others. Building self-esteem and focusing on positive traits your family has never highlighted will give you the strength to deal with a toxic environment.
It is also worth setting boundaries with the family by letting them know clearly that you will no longer accept the role of scapegoat.
Sources:
Rothschild, Z. et. Al. (2012) A dual-motive model of scapegoating: Displacing blame to reduce guilt or increase control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 102 (6): 1148-1163.
Frear, G. (1991) René Girard on Mimesis, Scapegoats, and Ethics. The Annual of the Society of Christian Ethics; 12:115-133.
Cornwell, G. (1967) Scapegoating: A Study in Family Dynamics. The American Journal of Nursing; 67 (9): 1862-1867.
Admission Being the scapegoat in a toxic family was published first in Corner of Psychology.
