Parents with more than one child know how complex it is to manage jealousy between siblings.
If you agree with one, you do the other wrong and vice versa. And then, moreover, maybe you come to agree with one, but you often feel within yourself that you do not have the elements in hand to say if your impression of judgment is actually the "correct" one.
So let's talk about jealousy between brothers and sisters: a little based on what I studied, a little based on my experience as a parent.
1. Preferences exist
And a little' disruptive as a concept of openness, however, let's reflect a little together on this sentence. I do not believe that a parent can claim to have NEVER had a preference or dislike towards one child or another in the course of his life.. It is a natural part of things to have specific affinities that are more relevant than others. Of course: they can last a short time, they can change over time, whatever you want.
The point in my opinion is that recognize these preferences - albeit temporary - can help us improve the relationship with our children. For example, there was a time when listening to myself, when I was with one of my children, I felt anger and annoyance. Listening and questioning myself about these emotions made me realize that I did not feel considered by him (unlike what happened with my mother). So I took the ball and starting from this emotion I tried to reclaim it, to improve my relationship with him: I asked myself "How can I strengthen the relationship so that I don't feel "discarded" but he also appreciates me more?”.
It is important to monitor our "moods"Towards the children and understand them: this is a first step to improve in day by day the relationship with them.
2. The positive side of jealousy
Winnicott said that overcoming jealousy in childhood would help us experience it better as adults. This is the bright side of jealousy: seeing it as a gym for our children to being inside some emotions that - albeit unpleasant - can make us even stronger and more complete. If we don't get over it in childhood, we risk being more angry and aggressive as adults.
There is a general tendency in our society to escape from cumbersome emotions: it is good to oppose this "fashion", from an early age. Furthermore, at least a little jealousy between siblings is inevitable, it is useless to think of being able to act in such a way as to make it disappear completely. On the other hand, I think it is useful to think from the point of view that jealousy exists, let's understand how face it e live with it.
3. The role of the parent
The third point is related to the role that the parent must have within these dynamics. Broad theme, which here for convenience I touch on 3 elements.
- First of all, the parent must be not so much an element to guarantee fairness, but a guarantee of uniqueness some children. Let me explain: if we have 4 candies and 2 children, it is not so much making a fair distribution of things (2 candies each), but give each of the children what they need. In other words, they should not be treated "as equals", but for the uniqueness they represent. Maybe one likes candies, but the other wants something different: let's go towards their uniqueness, preserve it and enhance it
- The parent must "see" children. This is their most frequent request: “Look what a beautiful drawing I made? Watch me dive? Look how I dressed? ”. Children need to be seen, this is how you fill their emotional reservoir. Let's look at them and give them love: two actions that we are sure will certainly not hurt him.
- Also parents have to monitor quarrels between them (husband and wife) and ask themselves about the effects they have on children. Often, very often, I have seen children trapped in fights between adults: one was the armed arm of the father and the other of the mother, and they slaughtered each other to carry on wars that did not belong to them.
Dear parents: you have a devastating role and influence on the little ones: be on your guard.
Sign up for my free personal growth video course here: http://bit.ly/Crescita
Article How to deal with sibling jealousy: 3 tips for parents seems to be the first of Milan psychologist.
