“You worry about nothing”
“You drown in a glass of water”
“You are exaggerating”
“You are taking it too seriously”
It is likely that on more than one occasion you have heard these phrases or even come out of your mouth. Sometimes these phrases have the goal of helping, encouraging the person to be stronger, but generally they have the opposite effect as they hide the seeds ofemotional invalidation.
Emotional invalidation occurs when someone rejects, ignores, or rejects i feelings and emotions of a person. It sends the message that what you are hearing is inappropriate, out of place, or not worthy of consideration.
In reality, we can all be disabling on some occasions, either because we are too busy with our problems or because we don't know how to deal with the emotions whose intensity overwhelms us. The problem is when emotional invalidation becomes a sustained pattern over time. In this case, it can become a form of emotional abuse that needs to be identified to end it as soon as possible.
The most common types of emotional invalidation in relationships
1. Minimize affective states
A very common form of emotional invalidation is minimizing the emotions, feelings, and concerns of others. If we see someone sad, nostalgic, grieving or worried, instead of trying to put ourselves in their shoes to understand what is happening to them and how they feel, we simply say: “it's nothing”, “you shouldn't worry”, “I don't see where the problem is” or “you're making a storm in a teacup”.
These expressions convey the idea that the other's problems are not that important or worth considering. Generally, this type of emotional invalidation tends to manifest itself through simple laziness because it is much easier to minimize the affective states of others than to make the mental effort necessary to put yourself in their place. Sure, the person could really "drown in a teacup," but downplaying their problems won't help them stay afloat.
2. Emotional rejection
Emotional rejection is another of the most common forms of invalidation. In fact, it happens quite often with children. When we tell children that "men don't cry", for example, we are invalidating the emotions behind the crying. It also happens when we tell a person "Are you crying over this nonsense?" or “you shouldn't feel this way”.
Emotional rejection is usually due to our inability to manage our own affective states and those of others. If we are uncomfortable with emotional displays, we will have a tendency to reject their very existence. Indeed, the suffering, pain or anguish of the other usually generate great discomfort in those who witness it, so much so that many times we cannot think of another way to exorcise that feeling other than to refute the emotions of the other. other.
3. Judging the person by their emotions
Emotions exist. They are an automatic response to significant situations. There are no “good” or “bad” emotions, but inadequate expressions of them. For this judge the affective states of the other, with phrases such as “you are too sensitive”, “don't be stupid, you mustn't react like that” or “you are very weak” it is one of the worst kinds of emotional invalidation.
This way we don't help the other person, but we tend to aggravate their discomfort because they don't feel understood or supported. On the contrary, she perceives being judged and even criticized for how she feels. If we try to put ourselves in her shoes, we may be able to figure out that she has more than enough reasons to worry, get angry, or feel sad or frustrated. Emotions are not an expression of weakness but of humanity.
4. Changing the sense of emotions
One of the more subtle types of emotional invalidation is making the person believe they are not feeling what they are actually experiencing. It is common when the emotions expressed are classified as "negative" and socially frowned upon. Expressions like "You're not angry, you're just upset" they detract from the original emotion, lowering its intensity.
Even phrases like "come on, don't be sad, pull yourself up, be strong" they hide an attempt to invalidate, as the person is trying to change what they are feeling for a more acceptable emotion. Sure, there are situations where we need to control our feelings and move forward to function more adaptively, but when emotions overwhelm us, trying to suppress them by replacing them with others only leads to even more distress.
5. Denying the right to hear
In this case there is no attempt to minimize the emotion, but it is directly denied. The phrase "You have no right to feel that way" it is the epitome of this type of emotional validation because it makes it clear to the person that their reaction is completely unacceptable. Even phrases like “it could have been a lot worse”, “it's nothing” or “if you only knew what i went through” they imply a more veiled rejection of that emotion.
The underlying message that the person receives is that they shouldn't feel a certain way because they have no right to, an idea that conveys not only contempt but also selfishness and superiority. Communicate in no uncertain terms that that person's emotional experience is invalid because someone else has taken the authority to decide how they should feel.
Emotional invalidation, in its various forms, ends up making the other feel alone, misunderstood, invisible and small. When we trivialize, minimize or deny the feelings of others, we are contributing to their growth. Those emotions will always find a way to express themselves and will usually come out the worst way, through somatizations or emotional outbursts.
Basically, this type of expression is an attempt to redirect the person towards affective states that are easier for us to manage. The problem is that they usually start from the denial of the original state, invalidating what that person feels. For this reason it is important that we learn to be more comfortable with emotional expressions, especially those that we classify as "negative".
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to comfort others or that we can no longer say anything, but we should reflect before speaking and do it from the deepest empathy, making sure we are moved by a genuine desire to help the other.
When we position ourselves in empathy, we stop judging, minimizing or repressing the emotions of others and, instead of giving them unsolicited advice, we offer them a friendly shoulder and simply say: “I see you are sick, how can I help you?”
Admission 5 types of emotional invalidation that do a lot of damage was published first in Corner of Psychology.
